Matthew James Paupst

I remeber all the shit we used to do, stay up all night doing some random bs brothers do at ten years old. Ive fucked up Matt, I hate who Ive become...I can be a real bastered...Remember those summers we spent at Markley farms? When i told that life guard that Amber liked him while i was in mid air jumping into a pool. Fuckin savage kid. Remember when you wanted to invent your own launguage ? Hahaha that was great, You spent hours writing out pages worth of random squibbles. Lol. Oh when you sprain painted the garage and you tried to Make it out to Amber that someone was trying to get her? Rememeber that day we moved from rhode island? we agreed we'd always have each others back, no matter what...Im sitting here not tro cry.. Remember when we would sneak into dads room and found his porno magz? Hahaha , and we also found that ring he got for sonya. That game changer. we were a happy family. amber and lisa tortured us. Remember when they tried to fuck with us with the Ouji Board? i ran out the house screaming..Hahaha. Good times.  I wish you were here. Sometimes i think when i die, i wont go where you are...

Hey matt, I remember you used to whistle on the porch.  At the time, I though it was soo annoying and weird. But now, I kind of miss it.  I think about you a lot but it's weird because life is just so busy and hectic that you never really get the time to grieve. Then, your birthday comes and suddenly everyone takes a moment to really think about you.  Life changed a lot since you left.  I'm almost 18. That is nuts. I wrote my college essay on you and got accepted into the two I applied to. They must of liked you as much as we do haha, so thank you. I hope you actually read these. Wouldn't it be cool if you could respond, I know that is like impossible and would stir the whole world up but still that would be neat. It's fulfilling writing to you but it would be even better to recieve a letter back. I'm acting like you're some kind of celebrity haha Anyway, I wonder where you would be today at 22. Would you have went to college? Would you be the drunk old uncle like you were when we'd play house? That was fun.  Andrew and Amber came over tonight.  It's hard to get everyone together now that we're all split up.  Well I have to go do some homework, like always. See, I can complain to you because you don't have to hear it as much as everyone else. I don't feel as bad haha Goodnight Matt, wish you were here, love you forever and always.

I was laying in bed the other night and felt You tickle me, I jumped a mile, then felt your presence :) I love when You come visit. Life hasnt been easy for me, this past year has been real tough dealing with breast cancer and what not, but when ever I feel weak or like giving up I think about You and how strong You were and how You fought ...Im trying to hold it down, doing A pretty good job, I think, having a hard time getting in the christmas spirit. I miss You so much, I wonder what you would be doing with your life going on 20, Life isnt fair that`s for sure ! Watch over Jared for me, he misses You and is going threw some tuff times... I Love You Babe !

Matthew.  I think about you so much. For so long I tried to be strong. To be there for everyone after you died. I failed matt. When I would tell you I made a mistake you would say it's ok dad. I was supposed to say that to you. I tried to say so many times that it's ok. That we would get through this and come home. You never did. I've never been the same since you died. I don't laugh as much and my feelings trip me up a lot. I know you would want me to be happy but I keep remembering the hardest parts. Like when the doctor said when you get your new heart you would have stamina again. You asked will I be able to run? The doctor said yes and you looked at me so excited and said im gonna run dad. I'm gonna run. I hugged you and said were gonna run matt were gonna run. We were both laughing. That memory haunts me. So many do. I'm trying to be happy matt. I really am. Its hard sometimes. I'm not the same and I guess I never will be. I love you Matthew. Dad

hey matt i just wanted to know that i'll never forget you as long as io live and sometimes i still cry about it and how unfair it was the way you died    -maddie